When I wrote my last post I was waiting to hear about a job I really wanted. The interview had gone really well and the library had a great atmosphere. I didn’t get it.
I don’t know if my level of drama has been heightened because of a recent “Anne of Green Gables” reading, but at one point I found myself laying facedown on my bed sobbing. I wasn’t crying because I didn’t get the job…that had happened earlier. I was crying because I have no idea what God’s plan is.
Over the last couple days Psalm 27:13-14 has been the verse I keep turning to. I posted it on Facebook when I was waiting and again when I found out I didn’t get the job. Right now the reference is written on my wrist in permanent marker.
It isn’t a particularly comforting verse. Before I go on, here is what it says…
I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
I think if I wanted comfort I would have chosen Jeremiah 29:11. Psalm 27:13-14 isn’t a reassuring promise…it is a command. A clear direction…something I crave right now.
So here are my two things I know…I know that God has a plan for me…I have clung to Jeremiah 29:11 during other times in my life. I know that there are many people out there praying for God’s will in my life, which by the way, I am hugely grateful for.
On the other hand, I feel like I am just struggling to stay above water. What do I do? Am I supposed to do something other than what I have planned? Have I missed some obvious direction? At this moment I am sitting in a hotel lobby halfway to Washington where I will be celebrating the wedding of my best friend from childhood. I am so happy for her and her fiance, but it reminds me of how far I am from feeling like an full fledged adult.
Just as I slip into self-pity…which happens more often that I care to admit and is the very reason I am keeping the reference on my wrist…this verse demands my endurance. But more than endurance it demands courage. The courage to stay where I am and to ask the all the questions above (plus many more) without letting my self wallow or grow stale.
I know I must take heart and wait.